Golden Globes 2012: Host, Ricky Gervais's best remarks

Comedian Ricky Gervais hosted the 2012 Golden Globes but unlike the 2011 ceremony, he didn't draw much blood at last night's ceremony. He was too soft on the stars...

Here is a selection of some of the things he said...

• "Tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the world's second biggest awards show on America's third biggest network [NBC]. Sorry, is it fourth? it's fourth."
• "For any of you who don't know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem."
• "The Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought...allegedly."

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• "Who needs the Oscars? Not me and not Eddie Murphy [original host of next month's Academy Awards]. When the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble."
• [On Boardwalk Empire] "It's about a load of immigrants who came to America about a hundred years ago, and they got involved in bribery and corruption and worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.''
• [To winners] "You don't need to thank everyone you've ever met or members of your family, who have done nothing. Just the main two - your agent and God."
• "Our next presenter is the queen of pop - not you Elton, sit down. Please welcome Madonna."
• [On Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek] "They're ridiculously gorgeous specimens, they're extremely talented and probably very interesting. I'm not sure - I couldn't understand a [expletive] word they said."
• "What you don't know about Colin Firth is he's very racist. I've also seen him punch a little blind kitten." 
• 'I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up. He's versatile.  
• 'Bit of trivia. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, between them, played all the parts in The Help. Brilliant.'
• 'The Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult you (Mel Gibson) or cause any controversy, they would invite me back next year... 
• '[They gave me] a list of rules, and this is real. No profanity. That's fine. I've got a huge vocabulary.  
• 'No nudity. See, that's a shame, because I've got a huge...vocabulary, but tiny penis. It works. I don't care. It's fine.  
• 'No smut or innuendo. Or I'm not to libel anyone.  
• 'And I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films or especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver. I haven't seen it myself. I've spoken to a lot of guys - they haven't seen it either but that doesn't mean it's not good.'
• (Celebrity break ups of 2011) 'Arnold and Maria. J.Lo and Marc Anthony. Ashton and Demi. Kim Kardashian and some guy no one will ever remember. He wasn't around long. Seventy-two days - a marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron speeches.' 
• 'Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No, he's not the father. The only way that he could have impregnated a girl was if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters.